Hi everybody. 

Just following on from yesterdays post - its clear that its going to take a good few days to get right - I actually felt worse again this morning (and that was a real shock after feeling yesterday that I couldn't feel any worse than that).

I cannot talk, the ulcers and burns in my mouth are excruciatingly painful, even sipping water is like drinking acid and I'm going to confine myself to bed for the next few days.  I can communicate via text message and e-mail - but I'm even going to try and limit that while I get some sleep.  I'm not overly tired - but I am not in pain when I'm asleep.

So I will be cocooning myself at home and if I can very politely request a few days without visitors I hope you will understand.  Can I assure you I wouldn't be good company anyway, and I would hate you to make the effort to visit and for me to sit there and say nothing!!

Hopefully I will pick up quite soon and things can get back to normal.

Thanks for your understanding in advance.

Nigel xx

Well, its happened. I cannot speak at all today.  The pain of the ulcers and sores in my mouth has finally reached such a level that I cann move my tongue anymore, and I'm now reduced to sending text messages to people downstairs, and talking to the kids via MSN!!

I'm wrting things down on scraps of paper to communicate with people in the same room as me too - I know its temporary so its quite funny really - or it would be if it didn't hurt so much.

I haven't got out of bed today - Saturday - I've watched Saturday Kitchen with James Martin and dozed a bit to make up for the lack of sleep during the night, and I'm now sat up in bed listening to the commentary of Wednesday at Leicester - trying to retain our status in the Coca Cola Championship.  As I write we've just equalised after gifting them our usual early goal....

Anyway - hope you are all enjoying your weekends.

All the best

Nigel xx

Well its Friday, and thats the end of my first week of 'recovery'.

As I explained last week, thats a bit of a red herring - as the radiotherapy is still working it's magic and the throat has got steadily worse as the week has progressed.  I've been struggling to sleep, waking up in 20-30 minute intervals all night to be ill, or to spit in my bucket.

The burns on my neck have improved immensely, the creams have done the trick there - I only wish some of the remedies I've had for other things had worked so well.  Today the real pain is in my tongue and throat - paarticularly the tongue which has about 1cm of open sores on it from the tip to halfway down the left hand side.  OOUCH!

I haven't missed getting up in a morning to go to Weston Park - I'm relieved thats over - and I've even managed a lie-in til 9.30 one morning...  But the days have been all too similar - I can't really go anywhere as I'm still coughing and spluttering far too much.  So its back to the four walls for a while and hopefully things will start to pick up towards the end of next week. 

I'm determined to get out and about for some walks next week just to relieve the boredom of home.  Its been nice to have a few visitors this week though.  Hasn't been much to write about this week, hence only one blog entry - lets hope next week can be more eventful.

Have a good weekend all of you and thanks for reading

Nigel xx

Last day of radiotherapy today and I've just returned from Weston Park.  Had loads of phone calls on way home, I really must apologise as I'm finding it very difficult to speak right now, as this makes me cough uncontrollably which in turn makes me sick.

So 35 sessions of radiotherapy and 2 of chemotherapy later, whats the verdict?  Well, the verdict is we won't know a verdict for quite some time.  I have an appointment to go back for a review in 4 weeks, but at the moment the radiotherapy I have received will continue to intensify its effects for the next 10-14 days, and then obviously I start recovering from there - so it's going to be quite some time before I start feeling anything like again.  It could be 2-3 months before we get confirmation that I am in remission - maybe longer.

Bernie exclaimed today that everything had gone to plan and she was pleased with the way my body was reacting to the onslaught.  My burns around the neck are worsening but they should begin to calm down over the next week or so.

Its been a very hard process, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. It will continue to be so for another 2-3 months.

I did get a souvenir today, my plastic facemask which is now on our coffee table. I'm not sure what to do with it really.  Should I burn it? Should I hang it on the wall? Should I spray it black and construct a Darth Vader fancy dress?  All these decisions to make - its exhausting!!

I guess the main point to make is that today is a milestone - but nothing more.  Now I move onto Stage 3 - the recovery - and this could be the longest and hardest road yet.

OK, I'm not going to write reams for the sake of it today, I'm off now to get my neck burns massaged with a cream that will hopefully speed up the healing process.

All the best to you all

Nigel xx

Good afternoon bloggers...

Well its the penultimate day of my radiotherapy.  I've had todays session and I now only have to lay under that machine once more.  I thought I'd have a quick look back through the blog at my posts from the start of the 7 weeks, and it's very clear I didn't know what I was letting myself in for.  I was going to use my spare time by taking the dog for a daily walk and maybe even writing a book!  In truth the majority of my non-hospital time has been spent laying on the settee making whingy noises and spitting in a bucket!!

I'm going to use todays blog to be a little self-indulgent and pay some tributes.  Bear with me.

First can I thank my team of chauffeurs.  Ably rota'd by Sarah who created a spreadsheet they have been here religiously for my hospital runs every single morning and most have had to put up with me being a miserable old f*rt all the way into town and back with the momentary relief of sitting in the waiting room with me.  So please stand up and take a bow, in no particular order, Sarah, Dad, Lou, Lisa, Auntie Jean, Martin and Uncle Brian.

Secondly, please raise a glass to the wonderful people at Weston Park Hospital.  They have been incredible.  I had heard from everybody before I went in of their fantastic reputation, and its not just deserved its something you can tell they strive to earn on a daily basis.  I would like to make a small special mention to the radiographers who have been my main team, Andrea and Gareth.  Their constant smile in a morning has been just the pick-me-up I needed at times, their constant re-assurance that what I was experiencing was normal and to be expected.  I would also like to single out the Receptionist Tina who has greeted me since Day 2 of the 35 days with a cheery 'Morning Nigel' without reference to screen notes - and she must see hundreds of people every day.  Thats the sort of thing that really makes a difference.  And finally, on Ward 4, to Staff Nurse Amanda Silcock - the way you put me at ease for my first night of chemotherapy could not have been taken from any training manual but only from a very big heart - I thank you from the bottom of mine. 

The next mention is for all of you people.  The bloggers, the Owlstalkers, the ex-colleagues, friends and relatives who have kept in touch, sent me good luck messages, re-assuring texts, motivational stuff, made me read inspirational books about Lance Armstrong and Geoff Thomas, donated to my Owlstalkathon (£10,000 plus raised so far), left comments on the blog and generally pulled me through every step of the way.  I have appreciated every one, as it means for just one moment that person is thinking about you and your recovery - and when you are surrounded by the same 4 walls in a house for much of the last 7 weeks - thats very important.  Again I will single out a couple of people, and heres hoping that I don't offend others by doing so.  Kerry, who has kept things ticking over with the business and looking after my customers for me, you are a gem.  And Martin.  What a mate.  Not only has he been fulfilling his chauffeuring duties but he's been round here or on the phone most days with encouragement, and even took on some of my household chores, almost slicing a finger off while fitting blinds in the kids bedroom and even cutting the grass.  You are a star mate.  Thank you.

I shouldn't proceed without mentioning Bernie Foran the oncologist at Weston Park.  Bernie has been so inspirational in our weekly reviews.  I always emerge from her meetings walking on clouds and feeling like 'YES - I CAN GET THROUGH THIS'.  She knows her stuff and really appears to care for you, is understanding enough to sympathise and then give you a push when you need it.  She really is a very special doctor, and I can only agree with Phil, who wrote on the comments section of the blog last week  "You have a hell of a great doctor there in Bernie, one of the best.  And of course, she's a very, very nice person too, one of the best.  You really fell on your feet when you got her as your oncologist"   So, thanks for that comment to Bernies Dad!!

During the last 7 weeks I have been cared for almost constantly by my elite home nursing team of Sarah, Mum, Dad, and sisters Lisa and Louise.  Almost too constantly at times as I've craved a bit of peace and quiet too, though I have just got my head down when the nursing became too much for me!!   They have put up with so much from me, I know I've been quite grumpy at times (though I still maintain with good reason!!).  They really deserve gold medals for the work they've done especially considering that (apart from Sarah) they have homes and demands of them other than me too.  So I would like to thank them all, as well as their immediate families for allowing them to be here helping me out and making sure my needs were looked after in such efficient and loving fashion.

Last, but certainly not least, Sarah.  Sarah has had to combine a full-time and very demanding role - as my carer with a full-time and very demanding role in her job in Doncaster.  I know very well that at times in these last few weeks I haven't been as appreciative as I should have been and I know I have whinged and moaned about quite often trivial things.  I've not been easy to live with and I will never question her patience again.  Sarah, you've been a rock sweetheart and I cannot thank you enough.  Its not been an easy ride and I'm sure the next few months will continue to test us to the limit, but don't forget we have something HUGE to look forward to in July... (ONLY JOKING - I KNOW IT'S YOUR 40TH FIRST!! )...  Thanks again sweetheart and sorry for being an insensitive *rse at times.

Well, lets hope you've all made it this far (the end of todays blog not the 7 weeks), thanks again for dropping by and I will be back tomorrow with more details of what the future holds now the treatment is (finally) over,

All the best

Nigel xx

OK, I was challenge to post the pictures of my radiotherapy burns by Hayley the other day.  I thought long and hard about this, my skin was really broken last week but its repaired itself a little bit now so I thought what the hell.

Please accept my apologies if this content is a little graphic for you.  I would certainly make the kids move away, or alternatively print one off and sellotape it above the fire at home to keep them away from that!

I have one more week to go so these burns will continue to deteriorate for at least a couple of weeks as the radiotherapy continues to work its magic for a good few weeks after the last treatment.  What is important to remember is that the extent of these burns is replicated on all of the internal flesh of my head and neck in the treatment area's.  So hopefully you can understand why I'm not keen on phone calls etc at the moment with a seriously burnt mouth.

Here goes.  First picture is my neck on the right side;

You will of course notice the goatee beard. I havent shaved for about 4 weeks now.  And because the radiotherapy has killed my hair follicles in the treated area - thats all I can ever grow again.  I would have shaved but to be honest I don't want to do anything to irritate the burn site.

Its not pretty is it?  The 2nd picture down clearly shows the scar from Christmas's operation and the incredible way thats healed so well.  Obviously it will look much better when the burns are gone.

Right, I'm sure I don't need to say anymore - they say a picture is worth a 1000 words - so sorry for being so long-winded!

5 days to go.

All the best

Nigel xx

Yes - thats right - week 6!

There have been times I thought I wouldn't get to this stage and before I go any further I want to thank you.  Yes, YOU.  You who are reading this blog, sending messages of support via e-mail or text, writing me cards, donating to the fund-raising, calling in and passing an hour, telling me off when I've been feeling low, encouraging me all the way.  YOU are responsible for getting me to this point.  5 sessions of radiotherapy to go.  And thats it.  None of you can ever know just how much that  support has meant to me.  I WILL try to tell you over the years, and I WILL buy you a beer or glass of wine when we meet, you WILL be at the BBQ's, you WILL be on the Christmas Card list.  I will not forget the support you have given me.  Yes, YOU.

1 week to go.  How good does that sound?  1 week.  I'm not fit by any stretch of the imagination, I'm sat typing this wearing a nebuliser face mask which is hopefully going to help me shift some of the awful phlegm thats making it so difficult fo me to breathe at the moment.  I've just completed a light lunch! of toffee flavour milk shake, inserted down my PEG tube as well as around 500ml of water so I can stay as hydrated as possible.  Ive had some painkillers and anti-sickness tablets down the tube as well to try and stop me throwing it straight back up again.  I've got the mother of all headaches today as well.  But do you know what? I feel great.  I FEEL BLOODY GREAT. Because this time next week - it will ALL be over.  The treatment will be finished and then I can start my recovery - my recovery from the treatment.

Bernie (my oncologist) really cheered me up today.  As a result of my hearing problems brought on by my last chemotherapy the last session of chemo is not going ahead.  I had a long chat about it, we discussed the impact it would have on my prognosis - and she insisted that the final chemo would have little effect if any, 'its a drop in the ocean'.  She also approved my holiday in July - so get the BBQ ready Jill and John because I will need filling!  She stated that 'I'm doing much better than average at this stage - "for instance we rarely see such a smile from people in their 6th week!!" (what a charmer - she's worse than me with the old silver tongue!).  She gave me some new cream to deal with the open sores that have appeared on my neck with a pair of gloves for application and the warning 'This could make your skin go black'.  Not sure what she was insinuating there...  (sorry Bernie)...

But overall a very positive meeting.

I can't sign off without this.  Sarah has asked me to point out that I'm only staying at my Mums because of the work a builder is carrying out in our lounge at the moment which is very dusty and could cause me irritation.  Nothing sinister, she hasn't thrown me out for whinging or anything like that (though I'm sure she has thought about it and I also reckon she's enjoying the rest, she hasn't been round at my Mums to see me much!!   Though thats probably more to do with all the footy thats been on tv this week.

Anyway - running out of stuff to say now - all the best to you all, and remember - YOU have got me this far - THANK YOU.

Nigel xx

Just 6 sessions of radiotherapy to go.  29 down.  Or as my daughter Gina told me last night - keep thinking that this time next week you only have 1 session left. (Good to see our talks on having a Positive Mental Attitude are paying off sweetheart!)

And yet despite all of that I could have ended the whole treatment this morning.  I had a shocking night.  Woke at 11, 1 and 3 throwing up a combination of bile and phlegm - the pain in my mouth and throat was intense.  It was the same this morning, emerged from the shower to be sick again, and then again before I was collected for the hospital.  I feel like  today, have done all week and i just want to say ENOUGH....

I managed to regain my composure in time to be collected and made it to the hospital for treatment - but just getting in the car was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life this morning.

Not long now. 

Nigel xx

When I was 23 I moved out of my parents house.  Throughout my early 20's (and significantly after I'd moved out) I used to joke with my friends that living at home was 'The Best Hotel In the World'!!  Free to come and go as you please (as long as you remember your house key!), meals prepared for you, clothes washed and ironed and sometimes even hung back in the wardrobe, heating, lighting and everything all on tap - and all of this for a paltry sum of money we used to call 'Board'.  I don't think I ever begrudged paying Board - I kind of knew when I was on to a good thing!

Well, this week I have been back there.  The 'best hotel in the world' has seen some improvements in 17 years, not least Sky TV and free wireless Broadband available too!!  But one thing has remained consistent - and that is - no one in the world can look after you when you need it like your parents!

Mum and Dad have been great since this all started.  I know how worried they are and that this definitely helps them to cope - but even the encouraging shouts every time I have to spit or be sick in my bucket are really comforting.   They've also moved into my sisters room so are sleeping in singles while giving me their super-duper new bed to sleep in - and I can assure you this is the most comfortable bed I've EVER slept in.

Finally it was my parents who gave me my love of football.  So I know full well that when they switch the tv on later tonight I won't be wondering whats coming on, it will be Champions League all the way...

I will take this opportunity to say to both of them, thankyou for everything you have done and are doing.  I love you both very much.

I have 7 radiotherapy sessions left now and the end cannot come quick enough.  My throat is becoming more and more sore now, I'm finding it impossible to swallow anything and using my PEG tube for medication.  My weight loss appears to have steadied now.  My face is beginning to look like an extra from the 'Singing Detective'.  It is peeling off in huge chunks, is very very red and sore and I'm using Aqueous Cream and Hydrocortisone to try and limit the damage that the next 7 sessions will inflict.  The skin is also very sore from the whole under-chin area to the neck - and is breaking and peeling in much the same way.  The cold continues relentlessly.

Still.  7 days to go.  I'm taking great comfort from that.  This weekend will be tough, as will next, but hopefully we will be emerging from the pit of this very soon.

This blog could not be completed without an honourable mention for the heroes of Sheffield Wednesday who were so unfortunate to come away from Bramall Lane last night with a 2-2 scoreline.  From going into a 2-0 lead we lost 2 keys players to injury and it was only a matter of time before United drew level.  A special mention to the Sheffield Wednesday supporters who made the game and were subjected to 90 mins of coin-throwing, spitting and worse from the United fans in the tier of the stadium above them.  My mate also called round to show me a video of the melee outside the 2 turnstiles that were open for Wednesday fans and you can clearly see the smoke from the fireworks that were thrown into the crowd.  Animals is too good a description for the kind of people who would get involved in that and I hope the authorities will take some action.

Off my soapbox now

All the best

Nigel xx

"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between"

I neglected my usual Friday blog - apologies to the regulars.   I met my oncologist Bernie for my usual weekly review on Friday and we discussed a number of things, not least the hearing problem created by the chemo.  She reassured me that having already had 2 out of 3 sessions of chemo, and when I've completed my last session of radiotherapy it may be that no more chemo is required.  So she has said I shouldn't worry about it - there are alternatives that we can fall back on if necessary.

Its been a painful week for the throat, the gravel I keep mentioning that appears to be sitting at the back of my throat now feels like small shards of broken glass that stick in my throat every time I swallow.  I am gargling with a Difflam mouthwash about 6 times daily - Difflam is like an anaesthetic as its supposed to dull the pain - but it doesnt really work.  Im also taking painkillers through my PEG tube - Dihydrocodeine and Soluble Paracetamol.

I now have only 2 weeks of radiotherapy left.  I have completed 5 weeks.  Now THAT is a positive.  After my last session of radiotherapy I don't have to go back to the hospital for 4 weeks to be reviewed, and I'm looking forward to hopefully some good weather so I can get the gazebo out and set my hammock up underneath it. (I have to stay out of the sun for quite some time following the radiotherapy to let my skin recover).  Quite a few of my friends (I'll call them friends for the sake of this post ) often joke about my permatan status and how I always look 'orange'.  Well, with the burns from the radiotherapy my skin is almost purple so there will be a lot of recovery required.  On an ongoing basis the skin around my face will always be far more sensitive to sunlight and therefore I will always need to wear a very high SPF cream in future to prevent burns.

My cold/cough is still here as strong as ever - getting really fed up with that and its associated problems.

On a positive note this week has been very nice socially.  Had some good long chats with several old friends this week, either via text, email, on the phone or in person.  (It really does help to receive your emails and texts - thankyou) Managed to get out to my sisters last night for a change of scenery, and the kids are both back from their breaks at Cornwall and Whitby.  I also managed to persuade Sarah to allow a tv in the bedroom, so was able to watch the Champions League on Tuesday and Wednesday night (while listening to Sheffield Wednesdays commentary against Coventry)...  My good mate Martin also did me proud yesterday by giving the grass its first cut of 2008 - cheers buddy I owe you one.  The beers will be on me just as soon as I'm fit.

On the subject of beer - someone asked me the other day what my first food will be when I get my taste buds back and my throat stops being so painful.  They assumed I'd go with an ice-cold bottle of Bud - which has been my barbequing choice for some years now! (All good barbecue chefs cook with tongs in one hand and beer in the other!)  In all honesty, nothing could be further from my mind.  What I'm really craving is a bucket of ice cold Coca Cola, filled with ice cubes.  Mmmmmmmmmmmm.  Food wise, I've been watching every cookery programme on tv recently and I'm desperate for some curried king prawns griddled!!  Or some green-lipped mussels drizzled in garlic and white wine...

Right, I've made my mouth water now - off for a milk-shake through my PEG... *sigh*

All the best, count down the days with me....

Nigel xx