Returned from Weston Park with a whole load of new medication today.

I've had an apalling weekend.  I've spent most of it in bed following an ill-advised visit to Hillsborough on Saturday.  That really wasn't a good idea.  I went straight to bed as soon as I got home and shivered there for a few hours before Craig and Julia called round for an hour.  It was really nice to see them - but after an hour I really just wanted to crawl back into my bed. So I did.

I've been throwing up most of the weekend, the cold is not abating at all - I've had it for nearly 4 weeks now and the antibiotics just don't seem to be moving it.  The pain in my throat has reached entirely new dimensions - and there appears to be an irritating flap of skin (or blister) right in the back of my throat - occasionally when I cough the skin moves and forces my gag reflex which in turn makes me throw up.  The pain of being sick against my ulcerated mouth is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

As yesterday (Sunday) progressed my hearing started ringing again, and during the night I noticed that I was finding it difficult to hear some things.  At the hospital this morning they arranged a hearing test at the Hallamshire - and it appears that I do have some damage to my hearing.  This can be permanent - and they are now deciding on whether to give me the last course of Cisplatin chemotherapy in two weeks time - I may have to give it a miss.  Permanent profound deafness is listed as a side-effect for Cisplatin - I really hoped I could avoid this as my whole life revolves around my hearing - from work to pleasure.

The doctor also stated that the skin in the back of the throat was perfectly normal - and I'd just have to put up with it as a side-effect.  She has given me some medicine which should alleviate the pain of swallowing - we will see how that goes.

I am doubled up in pain when coughing at the moment, it seems to hurt my ribs, my lungs, my throat, my mouth and my head goes very sparkly as the coughs rack through me.

3 weeks to go? I wish I could be put to sleep for the 3 weeks.  I'm not feeling brave at all right now - I'm feeling bloody awful and I just want the whole damn thing to be over.  I keep thinking 'You have the wrong man' - this can't be me its happening to.  But clearly the results don't lie and they do have the right man.

I've been sick 3 times now while writing this piece so I'm going to sign off now.

Keep smiling

Nigel xx